Money, Money, Money

Ah, yes, it was the 90s and all anyone thought about was making money, not like these altruistic times we live in today. Once folks found the Internet, they saw it as a guaranteed way to gain cash, so they resorted to those time-honored money-making traditions, chain letters. Here’s my take on some of the more popular ones.

Guaranteed Money-Making Scam, er, Scheme

Reprinted from

Greetings Dear Friends:

My name is Fred Williamson, no, make that Ted Stephenson. Just two months ago, I was slinging hash at the greasiest spoon in all of Nebraska. My wife had just run off with my ex-girlfriend and my children were trying to kill me. In addition, Satan was speaking to me through a neighbor’s dog telling me to expose myself to those twins from Full House. I was a mess, a dirty, rotten, mess.

But then I stumbled upon a brilliant scheme to make money and now my life has turned around. Now I live in a 4-room double-wide trailer with two red pickup trucks out front, and with legions of girlfriends who, while they appear to be underage, are in fact 18 or over — I swear! What, you may ask is the secret to my success? Well, let me tell you, I discovered a perfect scheme for making lots of cash really fast. And I feel so damn fortunate that I’m willing to share my secret with you. I mean, hell, it won’t cut into my profits any.

Here’s what you’ve got to do. Call up everybody you know, and I mean everybody and say, “Hey man, you got that $20 bucks you owe me?” It works, I swear, it works! In just the first two weeks, I made over $97 and the money is still rolling in. Then, when you run out of friends, just call up somebody you don’t even know and tell ’em you met them at a party, or bar, hell, be creative! Tell ’em they were drunk and you loaned ’em money for a taxi cab because you cared about them. Sure, some people are going to hang up on you, but some will believe you — or, they’ll be so embarrassed, they’ll give you the money just to get rid of you.

Oops, got to go, phone’s ringing. It’s the sweet sound of succe$$!

Leo Platz

Make Money Funny

My name isn’t Dave Rhodes. A few years ago, I was totally bored with my money, so much so that I almost questioned why I needed it in the first place. Now, whenever I pull a dollar or a five out of my pocket, the enjoyment never ends.

Here’s what you do: Buy an X-acto knife, then carefully cut out the eyes and mouth of the figures on your money. Then, using a complicated series of cardboard tracks paste the eyes and mouth behind the empty spaces, so that by sliding the cardboard back and forth, you can make the eyes and mouth move. Believe me, the fun never ends!

I cut and pasted a twenty a few weeks ago, now, wherever I go, I’m all set up to give an impromptu puppet show. Believe me, there’s nothing that gets you in a restaurant faster than when you pull out one of those animated twenties and have it say, “Pleeeeease let my friend in! He’s really hungry!” I’ve worked out an entire Edgar Bergan/Charlie McCarthy routine, just in case anyone tries to mug me. Last time this happened, I had the crooks rolling on the floor, giving me ample time to disarm them and phone the police.

So, give it a try and maybe you too will find a new appreciation for all that cash we take for granted.

Make Money Slow, Real Slow

Found on

My name is Cecil Rhodes. No, not that Cecil Rhodes, but boy, wouldn’t it be something if I was?

Anyway, a few years ago, I was just an average working stiff. In fact, I was stiffer than the average working stiff. In fact, I was downright starchy. But all that’s changed now, since I woke up one morning with a cool $1,000 in my bank account. And it only took me 15 years to make it!!! That’s right, $1,000 in just 15 years!!

Okay, okay, I’ll give you time to recover. I know what you’re thinking, but I swear to you it’s all true, though sometimes I can’t believe it myself.

Here’s my route to wealth and succe$$:

All I did was get me a job shoveling gravel by the side of the road. No, there was no real purpose to it, just something to do. But I got me a job shoveling gravel by the side of the road for the staggering sum of $4.45 an hour. And believe me, after some of the cruddy jobs I’ve had, I was glad to make it too!

But all I did, day after day for 15 years was shovel gravel by the side of the road and when I was finished and picked up my paycheck — and after spending the obligatory sums on booze and video rental (why, I must have watched that Beethoven 400 times; what a hoot!) — I took whatever was left over and put it in an old shoebox under my bed. And that, my friends, is how I woke up one morning with the startling sum of $1,000 after only 15 years!

And you can do it too. Now, I can’t promise you you’ll be able to find you a glamor job like shoveling gravel on the side of the road — not everyone can be as blessed as I was — but there are tons of jobs just as good and they’re waiting there just for you!

Here are just a few:

  • Squeegee person in the sewer
  • Ape shaver at the Atlanta zoo
  • Subject of medical experimentation
  • Live crash-test dummy
  • Cadaver
  • The person who has to watch all those rehearsals of dance numbers for the Oscars

The list goes on and and on…

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and start making them substandard wages and putting the excess in a shoebox and one day, you too may wake up with a cool $1,000!


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