Writing is a solitary profession, and writers are often solitary individuals, more introverted than extroverted. As a consequence, it can be difficult to feel a sense of belonging when we venture out into the world. At best, we may feel a general connection to the overall environment without a sense of being part of any group among which we find ourselves.
This is certainly true for me. I describe myself as “pathologically introverted” and this tendency has become more pronounced as I’ve grown older. It has been enhanced by more than two years of pandemic, in which it was necessary to avoid large crowds and close interactions for extended periods of time. My isolationist tendencies have been in overdrive and it has been a challenge trying to get back into a “normal” pattern of behavior. I have yet to visit any restaurants in my area and I haven’t been to see a movie outside the house for at least three years.
Interacting with others plays on quite a number of my quirks and mental peculiarities. I always feel like others are watching me and judging everything I do and it has only been within the past couple of decades that I’ve come to realize this isn’t true. Still, it’s tough not to feel self-conscious when I enter a room and there’s a sudden burst of laughter, or I catch someone glancing sideways at me in a crowd or any number of other seemingly innocent gestures that most likely have nothing to do with me. Knowing people aren’t watching me doesn’t make the feeling that I’m being watched go away.
I’m an outsider, and during those periods when I am interacting with others, I appreciate it because I know it won’t last. Sooner or later, I’ll grow tired of the compromises one must make to be among groups of people, or they’ll leave to get on with their lives, or my energy level for socializing will be depleted, or something else will occur to remind me why I choose to avoid being in social situations and I’ll retreat from the world at large, except for work or acquiring necessities.
Consequently, I spend a great deal of time at home by myself which doesn’t contribute much to a sense of community. Since moving to Middle Georgia, I’ve met a few of my neighbors but don’t really feel connected to the neighborhood. I see plays whenever I can, but Covid put the brakes on my plans to get more involved in the local theatrical scene. After the pandemic was declared over, I started traveling a lot for work which doesn’t leave much time for socializing.
Fortunately, one of the lessons of growing older is realizing that despite my perception, the world doesn’t revolve around me. Given the opportunity, most people are willing to give others the benefit of the doubt and are usually more curious than hostile. I have met a lot of interesting people who each has a story to tell. I may not always feel at home everywhere I go, but there’s always something new to learn and new places to explore and new people to meet. The trick is to remain open to the adventure and to cultivate a sense that I belong wherever I happen to find myself.