Fifteen Resolutions for 2015

This year, I resolve to:

  • Exercise my right to chicken done right
  • Stop paying too much for car insurance by not having car insurance
  • Cut down on the time I spend spying on my neighbors
  • Remind myself again why I needed a Master’s degree
  • Adjust my attitude so that my boring and nowhere job is either boring, or nowhere, but not both
  • Find out once and for all who that guy is who sleeps on my patio
  • Launch my campaign for president, just so I can get federal matching funds
  • Attend shareholder meetings at major corporations and constantly yell, “free bird!”
  • Get in touch with my feminine side then chase it away with a stick
  • Find out for sure if Elvis is still alive, and, if he is, kill him
  • Track down all my enemies and rain down final and decisive vengeance upon them, then invite them back to the house for coffee and pastries
  • Stop worrying if this will be the year when my past finally catches up to me
  • Become a YouTube phenomenon named Jinx
  • Contact authorities and tell them what I did with all that money
  • Make a sincere effort to learn the names of all my friends

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