This year, I resolve to:
- Exercise my right to chicken done right
- Stop paying too much for car insurance by not having car insurance
- Cut down on the time I spend spying on my neighbors
- Remind myself again why I needed a Master’s degree
- Adjust my attitude so that my boring and nowhere job is either boring, or nowhere, but not both
- Find out once and for all who that guy is who sleeps on my patio
- Launch my campaign for president, just so I can get federal matching funds
- Attend shareholder meetings at major corporations and constantly yell, “free bird!”
- Get in touch with my feminine side then chase it away with a stick
- Find out for sure if Elvis is still alive, and, if he is, kill him
- Track down all my enemies and rain down final and decisive vengeance upon them, then invite them back to the house for coffee and pastries
- Stop worrying if this will be the year when my past finally catches up to me
- Become a YouTube phenomenon named Jinx
- Contact authorities and tell them what I did with all that money
- Make a sincere effort to learn the names of all my friends
